two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
