You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
