I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
