He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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