when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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