I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
