Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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