am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
