The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We are two peas in an std pod
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
God gave him joint rollers for hands
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
