I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize