I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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