hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
