i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
