Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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