Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
