he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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