even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
