I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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