I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
