One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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