So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my being single is dangerous.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
