how can u be prego again
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize