Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize