I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
