i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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