I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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