i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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