I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
