guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
