there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
