I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
