I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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