he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
