you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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