2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
