I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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