I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
