i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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