Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
