Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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