I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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