Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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