I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
