Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
