I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
