You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
