I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
