Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
