The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
