I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
