Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
