At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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