She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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