Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
