I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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