There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
