Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
