your parents love me but you hate me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
