I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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