The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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