I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
